Young Families INSIGHTS
October 2001
Linda Swann, NAMI NC Young Families Program Coordinator, Editor
Linda Buzard, Layout Manager

A Guide for Parents: Ten Tips for Talking with Children about Terrorism/Tragedy

Despite our efforts to protect our children from tragedy, it is probably not an exaggeration to say that almost every child in America was exposed to the horrible events of terrorism that captured our attention on Tuesday, September 11. Here are some simple things to keep in mind when you are talking to your child about tragedy. Remember: the main goal in talking to children is to help them to feel that the world is a safe place.

1. It’s not always WHAT you say, it’s HOW you say it.
Modulate your response with children. If you are feeling intense emotions about the recent national tragedy, then now is NOT the time to talk with your children. Take care of yourself first. Talk over your feelings with someone. Once you feel like you are more in control of your emotions, then you can talk about feelings with your child. You can let your child know that you feel sad for the children and families who have been touched by this tragedy. It is also important that you share simple strategies that you use to deal with your feelings. You might say something to your child like: "When I feel sad like that, it helps me to think about how my family and friends are safe, and it’s my job to help keep you safe."

2. Comfort, Comfort & Comfort
Appropriate physical contact can be VERY soothing for a child who is feeling frightened or nervous. Do whatever feels comfortable for both you and your child. Children are very sensitive and pick up a great deal about your emotional state from physical contact. Touching a child when you are anxious will only serve to make the child more anxious. As parents, it is important to continually demonstrate to children in word and deed that our main job is keeping them safe. Remind your child of the other adults in their lives who also share that job: teachers, doctors, police, etc.

3. LISTEN to your child
Give your child room to talk about his fears. Try and ask you child open-ended questions, such as, "How did you feel when your friends told you about the airplane crashing into the building?" You can show your child that you are attending to them by re-phrasing what you hear your child say, such as: "So it sounds to me like you felt pretty scared when you heard Jimmy tell you about the plane crash. Is that right?"

4. Give Your Child Room to Ask Questions
When talking to your child, pause from time to time and ask "Do you have any questions?" or "What do you think about what I just said?". Many times children cannot fully articulate a question that they have. In that case, it pays to take time to explore the fear or concern that your child has that lies behind the question. Remember that it is also normal for a child not to ask many questions about a traumatic event. Every child, like every adult, is going to handle stressful situations in their own, slightly unique way.

5. Keep it Simple
Keep your response short and sweet. A rule of thumb is — the younger the child, the more simple the answer needs to be. When my three-and-a-half year old daughter asked me, "Why did those bad men hurt those people?" I responded with, "Those bad men made really bad choices to hurt those people." To which she replied, "They sure did."

6. Limit the Media
During a televised crisis the intense, stern or often-worried voice of the television commentator combined with the oft-repeated viewing of the tragedy is a certain recipe for anxiety in your child. If you expose your children to the media, be prepared to take extra time to talk to and listen to your child about what she has just seen.

7. Understand that supporting your child is a process
Remember that supporting your child and helping her feel safe is an on-going process. Some children, like some adults, may have questions or concerns about an event long after the event is over. Listen, reassure and comfort them. Other children may talk about a subject once, and never bring it up again. It is better to view it as an on-going discussion, and take the necessary cues from your child about what he needs.

8. Keep the Routine Going
Children of all ages thrive on consistency. For your child’s sake, it is important to return to your normal family routine as soon as possible after a tragedy. Children find the normal routine to be very comforting.

9. Do Something Positive
One way that people gain mastery over a tragedy is to do something positive, if even in a small way. Helping others can go a long way toward helping ourselves and our children deal with painful feelings.

10. Use Play and/or Humor
Many children may be unable to unwilling to talk about a traumatic event for a variety of reasons. Many children respond very well to play — puppets, painting or role playing — sprinkled with liberal amounts of humor. Other children may want to draw and/or color. Don’t be surprised if strong feelings such as anger or fear come out during the playtime. This can be a normal and healthy way for children to discharge their emotions. Once when my daughter was frightened by an event that had happened to her, she spent a good deal of time drawing pictures and then ripping them up! When done appropriately (i.e., the right time and place), ripping and tearing can be a great way for children to manage fear and anxiety. Using humor can be a natural, healthy way to manage strong feelings. Humor must be used appropriately, however. Humor that is used light-heartedly can be a very powerful healing experience to deal with trauma.

Timothy H. Warneka, M.Ed., LPCC

www.clevelandtherapists.com

Tim is eager for your questions and feedback. You can reach him by e-mail: tim@clevelandtherapists.com.

NAMI, the Nation's Voice on Mental Illness, completed a very successful annual convention in Washington DC on July 15, 2001. Over 2,600 NAMI members and 115 international delegates participated in the meeting. The convention theme, United by Hope, Working for Change, reflected the enthusiasm of NAMI members surrounding the promise of recovery through greater research and an improved mental illness healthcare system. Research updates took place on all the major brain disorders, including issues specific to children and adolescents. "Ask the Doctor" sessions took place with experts on schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, dual diagnosis, ADHD, childhood disorders, and medications.

• ADHD, a Major Health Problem affecting 3 – 5 % of children, results in academic, social, and family skill’s deficits and is a chronic disorder with 50% of those having the disorder experiencing it as adults. The US experiences rates similar to Europe and the Middle East.
• Symptoms generally appear before age 5. Boys are 3 times more likely than girls to have hyperactivity. Boys and girls are evenly matched with the inattentive type.
• Untreated ADHD puts children and adolescents at significant risk for substance abuse, conduct disorder, and risky behavior. In other words, comorbidity shapes outcomes.
• We now know the prefrontal cortex in the brain of children with ADHD is underactive. There are fewer dopamine receptors there. Research also tells us that the adrenaline and serotonin systems are involved as well as structural and functional differences in the brain.
• Normal parenting does not work with these children.
• Behavioral therapy is child-focused, includes parent training, and school-based interventions.
• NIMH’s MTA Study used a multi-modal approach with intense behavior therapy, medication, and a combination of the two. (A fourth group was the control group.)
• 579 children were followed for 14 months. All who received treatment improved with the combined group doing a little better on inattention. In this study, teachers gave regular feedback to students’ psychiatrists with students having monthly visits to the psychiatrist.
• Children were reported as still doing better after 24 months. Treatment had stopped at 14 months.
• From parents, the medication was helpful but the maximum benefit came from eliminating negative, ineffective discipline. Parents learned new techniques that worked.
• Comorbidity of Conduct Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder was cut by 40%.

• Dr. Jensen said, "We are getting smarter about what we are doing!"

NAMI recently published a 25-page monograph by Dr. Joyce Burland that details the warning signs of childhood mental illness and helps teachers and parents work together in helping children with these disorders. The message is that treatment works and early detection can make all the difference in the quality of a child’s life. The booklet helps teachers better understand what families need. "Parents and Teachers as Allies" is available for a nominal cost. Please call Linda Swann at NAMI NC (800-451-9682) if you would like more information.

"Children often misbehave when they have difficulty with an assignment. They are afraid to ask for assistance. Their experience has taught them that to request help is to risk rebuke. They would rather be punished for acting up than ridiculed for ignorance. A teacher’s best antidote to misbehavior is a willingness to be helpful."

"Praise consists of two parts: what we say to the child and what he in turn says to himself."

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